Angry Birds Star Wars HD: an intellectual analysis

Outrageous, that's what it is. Such a travesty to see something so sacred and so much a part of our cultural heritage exploited in this cynical, grasping manner. Every time this once treasured work of unique artistic majesty is refashioned into another mass market abomination, a part of my soul vomits.

I am talking, of course, about the disgraceful appropriation by the creators of Angry Birds of the globally loved and respected franchise Boom Blox. Oh come on, you remember. "Boom Blox is a game that will make you glad you own a Wii," I wrote back in May 2008. "Here's hoping it's only the first of its kind," hahahahahahahahaha.

For those who don't recall, Boom Blox was a physics-based puzzle game. It involved chucking projectiles at towers of bricks in a bid to knock them over. That's right, just like Angry Birds, only less shallow and ugly and stupid.

Yeah, that's right. I am not even being anti-populist for the sake of it. As proof, I will tell you that I watch X-Factor every week, have read all the Twilight books and own a DFS sofa. The point is, I am not sure I want to live in a world where a billion people have downloaded Angry Birds, yet only me and about two other people can remember the correct spelling of Boom Blox (Eurogamer 9/10), because nobody bought it back in 2008. Too busy playing Gears of War 2 and Fallout 3 and Grand Theft Auto IV, you say? Well you missed out, my friend.

Anyway, let us take a closer look at Angry Birds Star Wars HD. If you have experience of either of the intellectual properties involved you do not need me to explain what's going on here. The birds have little Luke Skywalker wigs on and the pigs look like stormtroopers. You pull the catapult back and it fires the bird at the thing and if you do it right it all collapses but then you have to do it again and again till you get the three stars because you're on the autistic spectrum and afterwards you feel hollow inside.

If you have no experience of either intellectual property, here's my advice: watch the Star Wars films. All of them. Yes yes the prequels are a bit rubbish but honestly, if you're going to argue Jar Jar Binks is a stupid character, but a growling blow-dried yeti with a Yorkshire terrier's face isn't, I can't help you.

(Additional tip: do not watch them with your Mum, who will say things like, "If it's so long ago, how come they have spaceships?" and "Why don't they have mobile phones?", and you will never be able to shake the image of a text message reading "Hlp me OB1knoB, ur my only hope :-(")

For the record, Angry Birds Star Wars HD costs £1.99 and for that you get more than 80 levels and the proper music. It's polished and pretty and there's a Millennium Falcon power-up. eBay bidding for Boom Blox starts at 99p.

Meanwhile, I'm off to post on internet forums about how outrageous it is that a man is trying to make some money out of an intellectual property he invented and owns, just because that gold bikini was the first thing that ever made my winkie go hard.