ArmA II: Operation Arrowhead

Speech given by Tim Stone to army of potential Operation Arrowhead buyers, on 30th June 2010 (with apologies to Tim Collins and the Royal Irish Regiment):

We go to Takistan to liberate, not to conquer. We will not fly flags in their country, but we may fly Apaches, Black Hawks, Chinooks, Little Birds and A-10s. We may also drive M1A2 tanks, Bradleys, Strykers, Humvees, and the odd tractor and Lada. This is an ArmA II expansion pack after all.

The enemy should be in no doubt that we are his nemesis and that we are bringing about his rightful destruction. Saddam-substitute Colonel Aziz and his forces will be destroyed by this coalition for what they have done. Seizing the oilfields of peace-loving Karzhegistan is a heinous act and an unlawful one. It's also rather unoriginal, but that's neither here nor there.

Respect the civilians of Takistan. You will have to go a long way to find a more decent, generous and upright/prone bunch of NPCs. Do them no harm and complete their optional side missions, and they will fight at your side. Respect too the fabric of this parched yet beautiful land. Tread lightly through its poppy fields, vault gently over its tumbled walls and abandoned washing machines, and - I beseech you - don't mortar seven shades of goat dung out of its lovely ancient mosques.

There are some who are happy at this moment who will not be happy shortly. Those who expected improvements in areas like AI, framerates, and armour modelling, will taste sorrow. There are also people among us who will not see the end of this campaign, short as it is. To those individuals I would say, "Be aware you can fail mission five and still progress," and, "The notebook containing the bomb code is in the obvious place."

It is a big step to take another human life. It is not to be done lightly. I know of men who have taken life needlessly in other FPS games. I can assure you they live with the mark of COD upon them. Expect the highest standards from your comrades - especially if you know the ins and outs of ArmA II's ungainly yet powerful command interface. Do not expect sparkling dialogue, faultless driving, or rapid first aid.

If there are casualties of war then remember that when they woke up and got dressed in the morning they did not plan to die this day. Allow them dignity in death. Do not dance like a pillock over their corpses, or drive repeatedly over their heads in the hope of squashing them like over-ripe water melons. Do not steal the hats of the fallen, no matter how rugged and S.A.S. those hats will make you look.

If you harm the regiment by posting idiotic messages in the comments section that follows, know it is your reputation that will suffer. You will be shunned unless your conduct is of the highest, for your deeds will follow you down through history. We will bring shame on neither ourselves nor Eurogamer.

Our business now is North. Goodbye gentlemen, and good luck.

"Sir!"

What?

"Will you be taking questions?"

I wasn't intending to, no. I was just going to stride out of the tent, and leave my well-chosen words hanging in the air. But now you've totally ruined that, so go ahead.