Dead or Alive: Paradise

The most interesting thing to do of an evening is visit the Casino. Here you can play the slot machines, which involves pressing a button and seeing what turns up, just like real slots - except you can only ever win fictional money to spend on dull virtual items. The most interesting thing about the Blackjack mini-game is the dealer's bounteous cleavage, and only because its movements are less predictable than the cards being turned over. Poker is equally dull but offers the quickest way to boost your coffers, due to the fact the women you're playing against are easier to beat than an egg.

The are only two other gameplay elements to DOA: Paradise. The first involves interacting with other characters - actually, that's a bit strong; it involves interacting with menus to send other characters gifts, then watching a cut-scene to see whether or not they liked the gifts, and therefore are willing to be on your volleyball team. It is impossible to care about this.

The other element involves picking the menu option which says "Relax". You then get to watch your character stretching out on a sun lounger, or climbing a tree, or applying sun cream lotion, or doing some other activity which involves a lot of bending over, leaning forwards and generally waggling their vajayjay at the camera. You can take photos of them as they do this, using the d-pad to zoom in and change the angle. You get the idea.

This is the second-best thing about Dead or Alive: Paradise. Attempting to take the most obscene photos possible is much more fun than playing robot volleyball or beating thickos at poker. Plus you get to feel like a weird stalker or the kind of paparazzi willing to hide behind a palm tree for five days just to get a shot of one of Martine McCutcheon's stray pubes. Viewing the photos you've taken in full-screen requires quitting to the Home menu, as the in-game photo album only shows them as tiny thumbnails. Well done everyone.

The first-best thing about Dead or Alive: Paradise, as mentioned previously, is the opening cut-scene. It's hilariously silly, gloriously over-the-top and, who knows, probably highly erotic if the sight of digital women sitting in canoes sends you from six to midnight. But seeing as you can watch that cut-scene for free, right now, it doesn't make the game worth buying.

Neither do the terrible mini-games or endless menus. Even taking rude pictures of scantily clad women is less fun than it might be due to the awful visuals - the backgrounds are often pixellated, the animations are bizarre and everything is all jaggedy. It's hard to admire the women's graceful curves and smooth skin when they look like they've been cut out of a magazine by an enthusiastic six year-old with a pair of Early Learning Centre safety scissors.