Destroy All Humans! Path of the Furon

Piloting the saucer is no fun at all, by the way. You'd think aliens with technology advanced enough to create such a sophisticated flying machine would have worked out a way to set it down anywhere, but no. You're limited to the four or five specially designated landing pads dotted around each area. Which you have to unlock by completing unutterably mind-numbing side-quests.

There are some new weapons to play with, such as the seed-firing gun which lets you plant giant man-eating Venus fly traps. Except you can only plant one at a time. And only in specially designated areas. Many of the old weapons are back; turns out the Anal Probe is still not funny, even if you give it homing missile capabilities. You get new powers, such as the ability to stop time and read minds. None of them are particularly inventive or fun to use. One of the new powers lets you force enemies to do disco dancing while a glitterball spins above their head. Yes, just like in Ratchet & Clank PS3. Only less original or good.

The presentation is appalling. Environments are small, sparse and populated by about three character models each. There's endless pop-up and clipping. Characters continually get stuck on scenery and in animation loops. The colour palette is hideous, the textures are terrible and the lighting is just bizarre. Cut-scenes are worth watching only for some of the most hilarious lip-synching you've ever seen.

It's similarly rubbish during the conversations you're forced to have in-game. When talking to NPCs, they'll ask you a question or spout a meaningless unfunny statement and you get a choice of responses. Your answer doesn't affect how the story plays out or anything (what do you think this is, a 2005 Xbox 1 game?). All it means is that when the same list of responses is then offered to you again, the answer you just picked won't be there. You have to keep grinding through the responses, and hearing the same answers from the NPC, until you pick the response which kicks the conversation on to the next tedious cycle.

The multiplayer options are barely worth mentioning, not least because they barely exist. There's no online functionality and no co-op mode. There are three offline two-player mini-games. They're all ****.

So it turns out those alarm bells were right to ring. Destroy All Humans! Path of the Furon is rubbish. Even THQ must know this, and that would explain why the game only carries an RRP of USD 39.99 in the US. But here in the UK they've got the audacity to slap a sticker saying GBP 39.99 on this raddled old excuse for a full-price game. Someone ought to phone Watchdog.

Almost a year ago, I was forced (i.e. paid) to review Destroy All Humans! Big Willy Unleashed for the Wii. "Even fans of the original Destroy All Humans games won't find anything to enjoy in this, the series' first Wii instalment in the series. And, if there's any justice, the last," I wrote (concluding the review with the brilliantly insightful reflection, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no.").