Retrospective: ISS 64

So I decided to use this game as a means of escaping from the noise of the World Cup. Some people may have heard that last week England had a match against the titans of Association Football, Slovenia. Apparently they had to win this game to qualify for the next round, or face the ignominy of going out of the silly thing in the first round.

However, a far better result was possible, and not widely spoken about. I discovered that if the USA would only agree to a 0-0 draw in their game, and England drew 2-2 with Slovenia's world-class players, then the progression of the US and Ing-er-land would be decided by the drawing of lots.

Which would have been bloody brilliant. England losing on drawing a lot would have caused every tabloid newspaper in the country to start printing in skyscraper-high 3D just to express their unending horror and disgust.

Instead, of course, after England won they exhibited jubilance and entirely uncasual xenophobia, celebrating the triumphant achievement of winning one game out of three, against the 11 people in Slovenia who've heard of football. (I should add that I'm writing this ahead of England's humiliating defeat by the Germans today. Please please please. Make the noise stop.)

Er, I got lost. So during the Slovenia game I decided to recreate the event in ISS 64 to see if my result would match the real one. Unfortunately the Japanese game doesn't include the Slovenes, so I had to opt for their former peasant revolting buddies, Croatia. I played England. We played in the S.A. Stadium, which while apparently standing for South America was good enough to represent South Africa for me.

Oh my goodness, what a game. You should have seen it. By half time the Croatians were 2-1 up, a naughty "K. Hoddle" somehow not given a red card for walking up to the opposing goalie as he was about to do a goal kick, and punching him to the ground.

In the second half England equalised, and the desired 2-2 outcome was on the cards. But then Croatia ruined everything by scoring twice more. But England pulled one back during stoppage time! A stoppage time which then carried on apparently interminably until it was 5-4. Could England get the draw they're so used to?

No. "TIME UP!" was bellowed with the ball in play. I then checked the score of the real game and saw it had rudely failed to follow my example.

So the only thing for it was to take Wales into the utterly berserk World League, in which you play 70 matches. Which revealed the horror of seeing the players celebrate a goal by forming a human caterpillar. And lose their first game 11-4.

For all its ludicrous ways, and in fact because of its ludicrous ways, ISS 64 is such tremendous fun. The so-bad-you-can't-switch-it-off commentary keeps you laughing and mimicking throughout, alongside screams of fury at the completely inept referee. Playing with a friend is, of course, by far the best way, and instantly the fun of those days in 1998 at university were recalled, yelling abuse at each other and falling about laughing at the game interrupting with half time in the middle of a goal scoring opportunity.

ISS 64 doesn't get football, and that's completely to its credit. It's the perfect way to consume the sport for someone who'd rather dig a hole in the garden, fill it with dog poo and concrete, and slowly slide in head first than watch a minute more of the World Cup.