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Well come on, that's what you were hoping for, wasn't it? After all, some sort of monetary reward should surely be mandatory if you have to sit opposite Chris Tarrant for more than five minutes. It's a blessing then that the ever-chummy presenter hasn't been digitised and shrunk down to fit onto your phone.

You know what? We'd take one team of footie-playing 13-year-olds from any playground in the country and put them up against the best team that the English Premiership has to offer. You might think that's bit of a one-sided contest. And you'd be right. The Premier League players would get whupped. There's no team harder in its defence, tougher in it's tackles or more vicious in its attacks than a group of teenaged schoolkids. Think about it; you've got the crazy kid in goal, the one who'll dive flat out to save a shot, knowing full well he's going to land on the tarmac and grit playground. There are the feet-first tackles in the rain and puddles and may God have mercy any player who gets trapped with the ball in the corner of the playground. Then there's the ball control itself; given that most matches take place with a tennis ball, any one of these kids would be past John Terry before you could say "nutmeg".

It's no good, I have to come clean. I can't stand it anymore: the guilt, the lies, the anxious covering up. You see I've had an affair... with Paris Hilton.

Cycling is the lowest-profile of all the summer sports. Think of the others that come to mind before it: tennis, cricket, Formula 1, athletics - even football some years, thanks to the World Cup. Perhaps it's a result of Britain's changeable weather and the fact that motorists are more likely to use cyclists for target practice than embrace them for their green credentials.

Just about everyone in the world must have heard of Tetris by now. The block-stacking video game took the world by storm and sold hundreds of thousands of copies and a good many Nintendo Game Boy handheld consoles in the 80s. Considered by many in our offices to be one of the founders of pocket gaming, its simple graphics and addictive gameplay ensured it appeared on just about every format and in many variations, most of them copyright-infringing. Indeed, its success was matched only by the subsequent battles over who actually created it (Alexei Pajitnov if you're interested) and more importantly who owned the rights.

What do you get if you cross Lego and Star Wars? Princess Brick-Leah...

There are more legends, myths and characters surrounding piracy (we're referring the eye-patch wearing, peg-leg walking, parrot-owning variety rather than illegal music and movie sharers) than any other line of work we can think of. Even before Johnny Depp added Captain Jack Sparrow to the list, there was Blackbeard, Captain Hook, Guybrush and Pugwash, to name just a few.

If it's true that you fear what you don't understand then Jewel Quest should be positively terrifying. Whilst the puzzler appears simple enough at first glance, presenting you with a grid of mystic totems and asking you to swap adjacent symbols in order to make lines of three or more, what happens when you actually start to play is far more bewildering.

You might think air hockey has gone the way of bar billiards, roller-discos and donkey riding in the long list of outdated British leisure activities. Except in Blackpool, obviously, where all of the above are still popular. Often simultaneously.

It's true that games enable you to live out your otherwise-unreachable fantasies. Win a million on World Poker Tour. Save the world as Jack Bauer in 24. And scamper down the wing before incompetently ballooning the ball into the crowd as Djibril Cisse in Real Football 2006. The world is your oyster, albeit on a two-inch screen.

Whether it's the classic PC original, the recent Hollywood movie, or even the slightly alarmist press coverage it's garnered over the years, we're going to assume you've heard of Doom. We're also going to assume that you probably have certain expectations of any game or film attached to the title, namely that it'll include exploring mazes and shooting at monsters, that there's plenty of blood and gore and that the experience is scary, yet somehow intensely entertaining. The good news is that Doom RPG delivers on all these expectations; even better news is that it adds a few neat twists of its own.

First impressions count at the World Cup finals. With just three matches to guarantee progression to the next round, no team can afford a bad start. It's why the opening games tend to be dull - whilst all managers would naturally rather win and claim all three points, the most important thing is not to lose, and so they adopt a decidedly cagey and cautious approach.

Fish and waiting rooms go together. Maybe there's some mystical, reflective quality that fish instil in people. If that's true, then Feeding Frenzy is the exception that proves the rule because it's anything but zen-like.

The life of a computer game hero isn't all princesses, multi-format sequels and crazy go-karting spin-offs. For every Mario there are a dozen or more nameless characters that have but one outing and are then lost to obscurity.

War is usually depicted as a hellish experience: loud, dirty, confusing and generally pretty unpleasant for all involved. It's not often described as 'quite cute' or 'a bit of a laugh'. Still, these are precisely the words that ought to be dangling around Cannon Fodder's neck. On dogtags, obviously. Not one of those girly chains. Although maybe...

Modern popular culture is riddled with unlikely heroes.

You know, you should take pleasure in the simple things in life; the smell of fresh-cut grass, the smile of a beautiful woman (on a poster or otherwise), a joke shared with friends, or a game of Sensible Soccer on the train. Simplicity can be bliss. However, as the spartan Sudoku Easy Vol. 1 proves, simplest isn't always best.

There can be few pleasures simpler in this world than skimming stones across an expanse of water. A relatively simple skill to pick up, it manages to both satisfy and relax the thrower, and of course it's free, provided you're near some water and can locate a few stones. All of which would seem to suggest that the pursuit wouldn't be an ideal subject for a mobile phone game. Why pay for an incredibly simple simulation of something that's free?

What's in a name? When that name is 'Turbo Camels: Circus Extreme', the answer is "camels and circuses", obviously - but you'd still be forgiven for running a mile. It smacks of contrived wackiness, which is enough to give any mobile gamer the, erm, hump.

We hate to admit it, but Kermit's gone chav. At least, that's the conclusion we've drawn from Muppets Dance Party.

How do you turn a cult comic novel into an accessible mobile game? Ask Blue Sphere Games - they appear to have managed it.

Motorbikes. When you look back at it, for all its technical ingenuity and impressive length, Liberty City Stories' main contribution to the retrod streets of GTA III's home were crotch-rockets.

The popular chaps at Phantom Entertainment have done a deal with software firm VertiCity to convert the Phantom Game Service software to work on Windows XP and Media Center operating systems.

Japanese magazine Shonen Jump has unveiled a trio of new Square Enix titles, including a new Final Fantasy for DS.

Capcom has officially confirmed development of a new Resident Evil game, which will be exclusive to Nintendo Wii and could well be hitting stores ahead of the Resident Evil 5 on PS3 and Xbox 360.

NCsoft has announced a "Good Versus Evil Combined Edition" of City of Heroes and City of Villains, due to go on sale on 29th September priced GBP 14.99 / EUR 29.99.

Sierra has released a PC demo showcasing upcoming F.E.A.R. expansion pack Extraction Point.

Still playing Kameo? Deliberately? Fair enough - then you might be interested to hear that the "Power Pack" has been released onto Xbox Live Marketplace.

With FIFA 07 set to launch on a variety of formats on September 29th, Electronic Arts has released a PC demo to get you excited about it.

Codemasters has released PC and Xbox 360 demos of LMA Manager 2007.