Nintendo GC Conference

WILKOMMEN IN DEUTSCHLANE, Nintenzigger fans. Es ist time for the conference. It's very white. I've got mich a headset and we're expecting to start soon.

We're enjoying logistical fun, by the way. The conference is earlier than we thought, and our hotel appears to be some way from the show. In Denmark, possibly.

There's a looping video on-screen of kids and grown-ups playing DS Lite. They all look happy, well-fed, contented, and painfully, detestably "lifestyle".

(Tom reports that he quite fancies the one playing Nintendogs. Make up your own "dogging" joke here.)

We're about to hit the official start time, by the way, although I'd be surprised if it gets going immediately...

It's starting...

There's a German chap on the stage - Bernd Fakesch - promising "surprising" announcements and so forth. We will settle for nothing less than a surprise appearance from David Hasselhoff, frankly.

He's talking about the effect of Nintendo's new strategy on the market. Lots of people who weren't playing before have become gamers. It's the usual Nintendo patter - "expanding the definition of gaming", and so forth.

We're in for some "very prominent guests, too" - HASSELHOFF! Come on! No? Bah.

"A few surprises and interesting insights into the world of tomorrow." Okay, right. Bring it on.

He's talking about a newspaper article that explained "digital natives and digital immigrants" - "this division applies particularly in the field of videogames."

He won't accept this boundary, apparently, which is good. Nintendo's going to "transcend borders", "stray from the beaten track", and totally reinvent things.

He's on about the NES, believe it or not - and the Game Boy. The "aren't we successful and great" part of the presentation is going a bit deeper than usual.

Blah blah, converting people, blah blah, expanding industry, blah blah, first results of this approach are the DS and DS Lite, blah blah, Nintendo Wii will do the same thing...

(Amusingly, the translator on the headset keeps saying "Double-you-eye-eye" - that's going to get old fast. Especially if Tom starts making gags about Wii in his ear.)

The DS and Wii will introduce intuitive controls, and the new world of videogames will rapidly welcome digital immigrants and their ilk. Adults and girls are mentioned as key targets.

(It's the Double-you-double-eye now...)

He's moved on to Touch Generations (the DS software range which includes things like Nintendogs and Brain Training) - says that this sums up the strategy of getting into new areas of the market. STAT ALERT! One million DS consoles sold in Germany to date.

More stats! 18 per cent of those were sold to previously so-called non-gamers, and 24 per cent to people who were previously PC users. 42 per cent of users were new to console gaming, in other words - although he doesn't cite a source for those figures.

He's 44 per cent woman, apparently. Can you do that on the state health service in Germany? Oh, maybe the translator got that one a bit wrong. The large female share (of the Nintendo DS, not of his hormones) is thanks to 600,000 sales of Nintendogs, apparently.

Animal Crossing sold over 150,000 units, and Brain Training has been the top seller in a lot of European countries - it's done half a million units across Europe. (The figures for Animal Crossing and Nintendogs were for Germany alone.)

35 per cent of buyers are over 35 - and older user numbers are increasing all the time.

Now he's talking about the consistent sales of Brain Training - it sells around 60,000 units a week steadily in Germany. Interestingly, this is exactly the same trend which Satoru Iwata identified in Japan and spoke about at GDC earlier this year.

More stats! STAT ME UP! Hardware sales of DS are "counter-cyclical", apparently - the summer slump was practically non-existent this year, and July actually saw a rapid upturn. But enough about figures! Announcements, please!

Oh, he's returning to the other thing - immigrants and natives. "Few companies have contributed as much as Nintendo..." And now, introducing the first guest! I bet it's not Hasselhoff :(

Nope, not Hasselhoff. Apparently he's a TV presenter or something. He was surprised Nintendo called - "I didn't think they knew who I was". I certainly don't.

Nice jacket, mind. He likes Brain Training. Controversially, he reckons it probably trains your brain. He plays "regularly" if he can get away from his children. This is riveting stuff. By the way, the Internet connection at the Games Convention appears to date from the Soviet occupation and is more flaky than an entire cereal counter in Sainsburys, so we may disappear for a bit in a minute. Sorry.

They're playing a video of the exciting television man now, which isn't being translated. He's playing a DS Lite, and clearly LOVING IT.

Dr Kawashima's Gehirn-Jogging, then. The mystery TV man says he's glad it has a basis in scientific fact. So are we, Mystery TV Man, so are we.

Aha - now they're talking about speaking English. On October 13th, they're going to launch "Learn English" on the DS. They're about to do an on-stage demo.

Well, "English Training", then. It tests the level of your English skill - if you're German, obviously.

You listen to the text and then write it on the lower screen, the faster the better. Mystery TV Man tries a few lines, and the program duly reports that he's "OK" at English, while playing sad, mournful music. Tom is threatening to storm the stage. We should be fine as long as he keeps his pants on :(

Woo, more games! First up - "Actionloop", a puzzler for the DS from Japan, which is due out this year. "I would compare it to Tetris," our new Nintendo Germany friend intones.

Next up, Phoenix Wright - which is being localised for Germany at last and is out here in the autumn. What's the German for "OBJECTION!"?

"Welcome the Nintendo DS Lite in pink!"

A sexy lady walks out, and Pat races down to photograph her. Like a ferret up a drainpipe. Meanwhile, the bass rocks our groins.

She's a top model, apparently. Tall, blonde, with achingly apparent nipples, incidentally. We've pretty much given up on the content of their chat. There's a DS Lite coming out in pink, and I'm really not sure you care about the rest of it - apart from the nipples, maybe. She's posing for Pat now, so we'll put those pictures on the site later, assuming he doesn't keep them for his "private" collection.

Big Brain Academy gets a mention. Tom reckons she wants to sleep with the Mystery TV Man from earlier - he's still loitering around, and they're throwing each other Meaningful Glances. There's definite chemistry. This is all a bit adult for Nintendo's family friendly image, eh readers?

"We have to move on in the show."

YES. YES YOU DO.

Pink DS Lite, across Europe, October 27th.

"Developed firstly for the fashion oriented women" - the Pink DS Lite.

Rupert has just observed that it's nice that they're doing something to get the women involved. Ellie is threatening to hit him.

Trailer reel! Lots of DS games - Super Mini Mario World (seems to be a part of Mario Vs Donkey Kong 2, not a new game). 42 All-Time Classics. Tenchu. Pokemon.

Trailer reel! Lots of DS games - Super Mini Mario World (seems to be a part of Mario Vs Donkey Kong 2, not a new game). 42 All-Time Classics. Tenchu. Pokemon.

Big Brain Academy, New Super Mario Bros. LOUD MUSIC IN MY EARS. Hotel Dusk 215 (adventure, side on). English Training. Starfox Command. Tomb Raider Legend (also looks side-on). Sudoku Master. Brain Training again. That's it.

Sorry, we dropped out for a minute there. You didn't miss anything terribly exciting - they basically ran through the demo of Zelda DS from GDC last March, showing off stuff like drawing a squiggly line on the ocean to direct a boat, drawing an hourglass to open a door, slashing stuff in a top-down dungeon, and so on.

Sorry, we dropped out for a minute there. You didn't miss anything terribly exciting - they basically ran through the demo of Zelda DS from GDC last March, showing off stuff like drawing a squiggly line on the ocean to direct a boat, drawing an hourglass to open a door, slashing stuff in a top-down dungeon, and so on.

Dear lord - dancing men! And women. They're flailing around the stage with Wii controllers. One of them looks a bit like Vin Diesel. Tom has identified the music as N.E.R.D. - I'm not sure why he knows that.

Now they're demoing the Wii. More comedy Double-you-Double-eye from the translator, despite Bernd explaining the phonetic spelling. They're explaining the console to a seven year old girl.

"Do you play games sometimes?" "Sometimes, yes." "Do you own a Nintendo DS?" "No." Oops.

They're playing a round of Wii Sports Tennis. The little girl is holding her own, actually. Mystery TV Man isn't.

A new game! At last, a new game!

The boss of Nintendo Germany is on stage to introduce a new sports title. "Sport is currently the new trend at Nintendo." A message from German footballer Philip Lahm. He's playing on the Wii in a football strip.

It's a Mario Smash Football / Super Mario Strikers title by the looks of it. They're going to play it on stage now - they first choose captains. Bowser, Peach, Mario and Donkey Kong are selectable, and then they pick companions and a stadium.

It's called Mario Strikers Charged, apparently, and Philip Lahm is VERY excited about it.

They've chosen Thunder Island as the stadium. "Rated: Lethal!" Woo! Here's hoping for messy fatalities. It looks very similar to Super Mario Strikers, graphically. Shot from the side and above, and very similar shooting mechanism.

It's got special moves - super shots. Mario leaps into the air and fires the ball down from the sun. Another player holds up his hands, using the Wii controller to block.

Balls appear at points on the screen, and you have to drag the hands to their position to block in a split-second.

It's 2-2. The entire crowd sits transfixed. Another super shot... And it's 3-2 to the new guy! End of demo.

"We are convinced that you will enjoy it, and you can try it out on our stand."

Another new game!

Battalion Wars 2. Cleverly abbreviated as BWii. Do you see what they did there? DO YOU?

That will also be playable on the stand. Now they're talking about third-party support... Listing all the publishers working on the Wii.

EA, SEGA, THQ, Activision, Namco, Konami, Square Enix, Capcom and Ubisoft logos flash up.

Time for another trailer reel, kids. This one looks like the video Nintendo showed at TGS last year (which was videoed from the perspective of the TV screen to show people playing games with the Wiimote), but with game footage cut into it. It's showing Wii Sports Tennis at the moment.

Now Wii Sports Golf - a woman putts successfully and goes a bit mental. Calm down, love. The orchestra game is up next. This all feels a bit familiar, actually - it may be a version of a similar trailer reel from E3.

Excite Truck! Super Mario Galaxy (which still looks bloody amazing)! The plane demo that we've forgotten the name of! Metroid Prime 3! Table Tennis! WarioWare! Baseball! Red Steel! Zelda!

Yeah, it's the reel from E3. Shame. They're showing off all the stuff from Zelda now - firing the arrows, slashing with the sword, fishing. Nothing new here. Move along.

"Wii prove our promise."

That seems to be our lot. So, in summary - the actually new things from the last hour were... Mario Strikers Charged; Battalion Wars 2; a pink DS Lite on October 27th; and about 300 pictures of a model with erect nipples on Pat's camera.

"Playing is believing." Right, we're off to Microsoft. Catch you in half an hour from there! Assuming we can find it.