Overachiever For a Day

26th May, 8.34pm - Galaga

26th May, 9pm - Hasbro's Family Game Night

26th May, 9.42pm - NHL 2K6

My fellow games-writer friend Ryan Kuo showed up for this stretch of gaming, ostensibly to lend a hand. He spent the first half hour trying to order shoes on his iPhone. "They're really nice shoes," he said.

We launched Connect Four on Family Game Night, and I glanced at the cheat sheet on Xbox360Achievements.org while Ryan signed in as Player 2. "OK, to unlock this one, Player 1 has to go first," I said. On the screen, Mr. Potato Head flipped a coin to see who would begin play. Player 2 won.

"What do we do now?" Ryan asked.

"I guess we'll just start the game again," I said. So we did. Eight goddamn times. Mr. Potato Head just kept on flipping that coin for Player 2. Have you ever had murderous thoughts about a potato? Because I wanted to grab that cheating, starchy, tuberous freak and gouge his eyes out. And yes, I know his eyes pop right out anyway, but I wanted to gouge them out. There's a difference.

We moved on to ice hockey. The online achievement guide for NHL 2K6 instructed, "Pick a good team, and than [sic] make your opponant [sic] Denmark, because Denmark has horrible stats." Thus the author managed to offend two populations: the Danish and fans of the letter "E."

• Gamerpoints acquired: 75 (Galaga) + 275 (Family Game Night) + 700 (NHL 2K6)
• Total: 4990

26th May, 10.45pm - Madden NFL 08

With practically 5000 points at the halfway mark - right on pace - I should have been in good spirits. In fact, I was deep into an underbelly of gaming that I was starting to think I should have left alone.

The word "Achievement" had taken on a farcical quality. Everything I did was an achievement only in the barest sense. Somewhere in Africa, unpaid volunteers were serving meals to starving children and receiving no recognition whatsoever. I was cheating to win pretend football games and being rewarded for my fine achievements.

Sure, as a kid, I had fantasies about winning the Super Bowl by a score of 110 to 3. Not this way, though. With my shady behind-the-scenes slider chicanery, I was committing the virtual equivalent of dropping roofies in the opposing team's Gatorade. Yet the Xbox 360 kept showering me with praise.

"650 Yards on Offense! How glorious, sir! 30 Gamerpoints!"

"Intercept 3 Passes! We are humbled by your magnificence! 20 Gamerpoints!"

"150 Rushing Yards in One Quarter! Would that we could pay you tribute with all the Gamerpoints in the world, your godliness!"

I didn't deserve these accolades, but let's not kid ourselves - 13 hours into this adventure, I wasn't exactly going to turn them down either.

• Gamerpoints acquired: 670
• Total: 5660

27th May, 12.02am - Lost: Via Domus

Touted on Achievement-whore message boards as a three-hour pleasure cruise to 1000 points, Lost: Via Domus proved to be anything but. It was a quagmire of baroque interfaces and unskippable cut-scenes. Around 2am, Eurogamer's own Ellie Gibson gave me a ring to check in on my progress. I shared my tale of woe: two hours and only 265 points to show for it. "Can you not just let it go and do something more productive?" she said.

"I can't let it go!" I whined. See, all the high-point Achievements were stacked toward the end of the game, and I'd put all this time in. "I've invested too much to quit now." I had fallen headfirst into the classic, diabolical trap of Achievements, but I was too stubborn to admit it.

An hour later, having tacked on another 140 Gamerpoints and falling farther off the pace, I realised that Ellie was right and cut my losses.

• Gamerpoints acquired: 405
• Total: 6065

27th May, 3am - TMNT

27th May, 3.14am - Galaga

27th May, 3.20am - Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian

Panic. My point total had stalled, and I scanned the pile of games scattered across my living room floor. I'd spent the last few weeks going from shop to shop, picking up easy-cheevo titles wherever I could find them. I'd even put together a spreadsheet mapping out my run, but Lost: Via Dumbass had blown that all to hell.

I tried TMNT, but the points were coming at a trickle. Abort! I went back to the XBLA port of Galaga, for reasons that I don't recall. Abort!

I had an ace in the hole - a fast, surefire recipe for 1000 points - but I didn't want to go there yet. Then, like so many before me, I was calmed by the warmth and benevolence of my savior, Ben Stiller. Somebody had created a game of his second museum movie ("Four stars!" -Museum Movie Monthly). Most of the game's Achievements are based on collectible treasures, which are "hidden" around each level in the same way that a period is hidden at the end of this sentence.

Did you find it? Congratulations, you can play Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. And so I did, for three hours or so.

• Gamerpoints acquired: 20 (TMNT) + 0 (Galaga) + 860 (Night at the Museum)
• Total: 6945