Pure Football
Soccer and see.
If you miss the green or white bits of the power bar, you know you're going to miss the goal, and getting closer doesn't have much impact on the likelihood of scoring. There are few-to-none of the "happy accidents" that make games like FIFA and PES so unpredictable and enjoyable. After four hours you really have seen it all, and where you can't guarantee the outcome you don't feel as though extra practice will make any difference.
The campaign is the closest thing the game has to a saving grace. You design your captain and give your team a name and then set about taking on challenges, and these aren't just "win a match". OK, most of them are about winning a match, but usually with conditions: win by two goals, do it in three minutes, golden goal from the kick-off, come from two down...
As you play you also earn "pure points", which can be spent upgrading your captain's stats, and before each match you're given a list of the opposing players and conditions that will unlock them for use in your team.
Some you unlock quite passively - to unlock David Beckham, for example, you need to finish the game with passing accuracy above 75 per cent - but others create little secondary objectives that you try to build into your play. Iker Casillas is only yours if you save a penalty - but that means you'll need to concede one. Ashley Cole is only yours if you hide his mobile phone. I mean score from a cross.
Amazingly, despite the lack of atmosphere, despite the silly visuals (and completely incomprehensible stadiums, by the way - why does London look like the Soviet Union rendered in Epic Mickey?), and despite the annoying controls and bad defending and unconvincing, scripted goalkeepers, the variation squeezed into the campaign by the objectives keeps you plugging away.
At least for a few hours. Then there's online, which starts you off from scratch in a mixture of ranked and friends matches, and moves you up "divisions" and throws "badges" at you every time you wrestle your way through the treacly mixture of controller and network lag that awaits should you survive the peer-to-peer connection process.
All in all, Pure Football was never going to threaten EA Sports and Konami's stranglehold on simulation football, but we knew that. We now know that it's not really good enough to threaten the half-dead FIFA Street series' stranglehold on "wacky" football either.
It has some redeeming features and won't be the most depressing footballing experience most of us endure in the next 30 days, but rather like most professional footballers, it would do better to focus more on its football than the surrounding pageantry - and on the pitch it can't even get the accents right.