Virtual Console Roundup
F-Zero X, Bonk, Mystical Ninja and friends.
Bonk's Revenge
Platform: TurboGrafx-16
Wii Points: 600
Aah, were we really so lucky to have an ongoing videogame character called Bonk? Just think how easy that made the lives of us gamesy writing people. Ripe double-entendres, ready for the picking. To even get close to that sort of pre-packaged comedy gold today, we'd probably need Sony to unveil a new next-gen platforming hero called Shaggy Nobs.
Anyway, Bonk is a baby. A baby caveman. With a huge head. Which he uses to "bonk" the various creatures which stand between him and...whatever he's running around trying to do.
It's mad, basically, and while the platforming mechanism isn't exactly bursting with originality (deadly drips in caves? Again?) the game compensates with a steadily escalating sense of cartoon weirdness. Eat fruit, and you refill your health. Eat meat and mushroom clouds erupt from Bonk's head and he goes mental. Eat a really big piece of meat and he starts breathing fire. Headbutt a flower and it turns into a giant black-and-yellow negative image for no apparent reason.
It may not be the best example of its genre on the VC, and serious platforming historians really need to exhaust all the Mario titles before thinking of downloading this, but Bonk is certainly good for a few giggles.
7/10
Chew Man Fu
Platform: TurboGrafx-16
Wii Points: 600
This guy, Chew Man Fu, has stolen all the Chinese food in the world. You've got to get it back, and you do this by rolling coloured balls around mazes, and putting them on matching tiles on the floor. And you'll be opposed along the way by woodland creatures. Uh-huh. Makes perfect sense, right?
Admittedly, this is a game that hails your victories with such timeless praise as "Chew's hatchetmen are cutthroat killers but they can't dance like you", so normality is a relative concept.
It's simple, it's addictive and it looks absolutely lovely - stuffed full of big, bold sprites and some convincing ball physics. Rolling the balls is the smart way to get them around corners and into the right place, but a well-placed kick can also send them hurtling into enemies - and then bouncing back into your face if you're not careful.
Cute, quirky and instantly accessible, this is well worth a punt for puzzle fans.
7/10
Double Dungeons
Platform: TurboGrafx-16
Wii Points: 600
It's hard to believe that this curious RPG came out in 1989, so firmly is it rooted in the grand old dungeon crawls of the text adventure era. Combining traditional hack and slash exploration with a rudimentary 3D maze, it looked fairly archaic back when it was released - you don't even see your attacks, just the enemy flashing in front of you - but somehow it seems to have aged rather well. Or, at least, what appeared clunky back then now feels quite charming.
There's a certain sense of purity to the single-minded focus on killing monsters, collecting weapons and gold, and finding the key that will allow you to move on to the next dungeon. You can't even die - defeat simply sends you back to the start of the maze, your gold taken but your experience and level saved.
The "double" part of the equation means that you can play alongside a friend in split-screen, which hardly makes much difference in such a simple game, but there's a definite communal enjoyment to be had if you can find someone similarly inclined.
Strictly for the old school, and people who know that Zork isn't a monster from Doctor Who, I'm quietly seduced by this weird little relic. It's not really worth the asking price, when compared to what else is on offer, but then it's hard to hold Nintendo's price policy against such a quirky little underdog.
6/10