What's New? (22nd June, 2007)

The Internet has rejected the topical new releases column What's New. This means that it cannot be legally supplied anywhere in the UK. The column was submitted in both an unfunny and a hamfisted attempt at satire version. The decision was taken by the Director and the Presidential Team of Sir Trendy McZeitgeist, Lord Becanase of Spray and Hamilton Academical-Filler-Fodder.

Sir Trendy McZeitgeist, Director of the Internet, said:

"Rejecting a column is a very serious action and one which we do not take lightly. Where possible we try to consider cuts or, in the case of topical new releases columns, modifications which remove the material that has nothing to do with the games coming out this week and replacing it with things that do. In the case of What's New this has not been possible. What's New is distinguishable from recent high-end new-releases columns by its unremitting irrelevance and blandness of concept in an overall context which constantly encourages despondency with exceptionally little alleviation or humour. There is sustained and cumulative casual disinterest in the way in which these new releases are documented, and disparaged, in the column.

"Although the difference should not be exaggerated the fact of the column's unrelenting focus on things that have nothing to do with new games like FlatOut Ultimate Carnage and the sheer lack of original ideas on offer to the reader, together with the different overall topical context, contribute towards differentiating this submission from the other What's News where Tom was actually sent the games. Those works were classified 'printable', before the Internet's recent Googling for talented writers had been undertaken, but were already at the very top end of what the Internet judged to be acceptable at that category.

"Against this background, the Internet's carefully considered view is that to print What's New would involve a range of unjustifiable boredom risks, to both adults and forumites, and accordingly that its availability, even if statutorily confined to adults, would be unacceptable to the public is therefore rendered inversely proportionate to the density of pompous intonation herein and really doesn't deserve a new man after all she's been through."

Note for Editors
This is the first column to be refused a classification since the period spanning 2005 and 2007 when Tom basically just hissed down the phone whenever anyone mentioned that he hadn't bothered to write it that week.

This week:

• Armored Core 4 (PS3, Xbox 360)
• Attack of Pearl Harbor (PC)
• Band of Bugs (Xbox Live Arcade)
• Bratz Ponyz (DS)
• Calling All Cars (PS3 Store)
• China Warrior (Wii Virtual Console - TurboGrafx-16)
• FlatOut Ultimate Carnage (Xbox 360)
• Hitman Triple Pack (PC, PS2)
• Hot Pixel (PSP)
• Kirby Mouse Attack (DS)
• Megaman (Wii Virtual Console - NES)
• Megaman ZX (DS)
• Metroid Prime Pinball (DS)
• Monster Madness (PC, Xbox 360)
• RACE - The WTCC Game: Caterham (PC)
• SimCity (DS)
• The Sims 2: Pets (Wii)
• The Sims Pet Stories (PC)