Wii Roundup

Game Party

Not content with inflicting Cruis'n on the Wii-owning populace, Midway has bundled a whole seven mini-games onto one disc, spent 0.4 seconds thinking of a title, and slapped another GBP 19.99 price sticker on the box.

You can't play the mini-games with your own Mii characters; you have to choose from a selection of freakish rip-offs. These include a black man dressed in some kind of jive getup with a musical note on his hat, an old man wearing a tie with a carrot on it, and a lady doctor. Everyone else looks like a paedophile or a whore or someone who thinks living in Shoreditch makes you cool.

You can unlock more freaks by winning tickets in the mini-games. Unfortunately, this involves actually playing the mini-games. All of them feature ugly graphics and unresponsive controls and are unbearable to play after less than two minutes.

Table Hockey is, of course, the game formerly known as air hockey. It's like the Wii Play version of air hockey except completely rubbish. Madly, instead of using the remote to control a paddle, you use it to move your stupid dough-fisted faux Mii up and down the edge of the table. Unlike in Wii Play, you can't twist the remote to change the angle of your shot. It's like Pong with worse graphics.

The darts game is played in the same way as PDC World Championship. You don't get to play as Phil Taylor though, and the soundtrack is a bizarre and infuriating Irish jig that will invade your brain and tap away there for the rest of the day. It feels like a miniature Michael Flatley with razor blades jammed into the soles of his shoes is doing Riverdance on the insides of your head.

The Trivia game is terrible, you will be amazed to learn. They haven't bothered to Europeanise the questions, which is particularly apparent during the Sports round ("Who led the New England Patriots in the 800 yards in the 2005 season?" "What did Mike Schmidt accomplish in the Phillies 19 - 17 win over the Cubs in 1976?"). Almost all the other questions are bizarre and/or stupid ("When did English folk dancing stop being performed?" "Which of these beans is not actually a vegetable - lima, green, cannellini, jelly?").

Hoop Shoots and Skill Ball are based on those chuck the ball in the hoop/holes games you find on piers. Rubbish. Ping Cup involves chucking the ball into some cups and pitting your wits against some of the most appalling ball physics ever seen in a videogame. Shuffleboard is so boring I've forgotten everything about it in the time it took to write the preceding paragraphs.

According to the back of the box, Game Party is "The Ultimate Party Experience". No it isn't. The Ultimate Party Experience would involve fun and laughter and everyone you've ever wanted to get off with turning up and offering to buy you a drink, even though they're free. The Game Party experience is like going to a party where there's nothing to drink but Tesco Value brandy and there are only four other guests and they're all racist and then your ex turns up and gets off with a Danish supermodel. Would you pay GBP 19.99 to go to that party?

1/10